By Matthew MacIntosh

WHAT IF I’M WRONG?

I frequently ask myself that question on a wide range of issues. What if Obamacare really will destroy America? What if supply-side economics really does help the poor? What if Kanye West really is a lyrical genius?

Entertaining diverse viewpoints and understanding the logic of your detractors is a valuable intellectual exercise, and it’s entirely possible to recognize the validity of someone’s logic while rejecting their conclusions. A logical syllogism is based on “IF/THEN” statements. For example:

IF Kanye’s famous line, “Heard they’d do anything for a Klondike / I’d do anything for a blonde dyke,” contains a deeper meaning that I’m simply too white to understand…

THEN he could be more than a douchebag with an ego the size of a small planet.

It’s not proof positive that he has anything worthwhile to say, but accepting the “if” premise for the sake of argument opens the door to the possibility of lyrical genius.

As you can see, I’ve made good use of my Philosophy degree, and I can entertain the Pros and Cons of nearly any position in the universe of ideas except one: the case against marriage equality. I’ve read dozens of arguments against same-sex marriage, and they all make enormous leaps in logic. There’s simply no way to justify denying civil liberties to people who haven’t broken the social contract or harmed another human being.

That’s why I was so impressed when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie decided to forgo marriage until everyone could get married. People dismissed it as Hollywood fluff, but I thought it was a powerful statement until, last year, they relented and tied the knot. Brad told reporters that the kids kept asking about marriage, so they finally gave in because it meant a great deal to them.

Admittedly, I have no idea what it’s like to field questions from your son or daughter about why you’re living in sin—I have no children and I’ve only ever lived in sin by myself. That said, it doesn’t seem difficult to tell your kids, “Mommy and I have decided to remain unwed so we can stand in solidarity with an oppressed community.”

Of course, you’d have to simplify it for a child’s mind, but it could be done. Tell them, “What if you went to a birthday party and all your friends with blond hair weren’t allowed to have a piece of cake? Wouldn’t it be great if you refused to eat cake until everyone was offered a piece?”

It’s not the easiest conversation to have with a young child. Maybe they’ll have more questions and maybe they won’t entirely understand until they’re a little older. But by and large, it seems much easier than sitting them down and saying, “Look kids, it’s very important to stand by your principles, and everyone deserves equality before the law. But, you know… sometimes… you just gotta’ say… fuck the gays!”

Brad and Angelina aren’t terrible people. Their decision not to marry was entirely symbolic and easily reversible, much like Hollywood wedding vows. It’s not as if they donated to the Christian Coalition—they just decided to do what millions of people do each year and a sizeable minority should be allowed to do. The moral to the story is that, if you’re going to take a stand on an issue, make sure you have the wherewithal to stick with it or you’re going to look like a five year old who threatens to hold his breath until he dies. Good luck with that, big guy.

Maybe Brad and Angelina thought they could hold out? Maybe they were too hopeful about the prospect of marriage equality in this reactionary country? Yes, we’re winning the fight, but across-the-board marriage equality in all 50 states is going to be a long battle that consists largely of hateful bigots dying off or becoming too senile to vote. In fact, if there’s anything in the world you don’t want to do, tie it to gay rights in America.

Struggling with an intense fear of commitment? Look your girlfriend in the eye and tell her, “Baby, I love you sooooo much. And I will re-grout the bathroom tiles… I will take the garbage out every night… and I swear to God… I will marry you! Just as soon as sodomy becomes socially acceptable in Alabama.”